Give him the piggy!
by Barriss-Before-It-Was-Cool
Summary: "In which Les Amis are forced to find another place to gather other than the Musain, and Jehan comes up with a great substitution... well, at least he thinks so." Total crackfic. Rated T for some swearing.


In which I basically write the barricade boys in an anime episode…

Yeah…

I have to say, this is the crackiest, weirdest fanfic I have ever written, so you have been warned.

This ridiculous piece of fiction was inspired by a conversation with the awesome petite-ponine on Tumblr.

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**Give him the piggy!**

The sun was out in full force today. The heat was scorching, the streets of Paris felt more like highways to Hell, and there was hardly a soul to be found outside. Instead, the many cafés, restaurants, bars and terraces that lined France's capital were filled to the brim with patrons trying to take refuge from the blistering heat.

Even the Café Musain was packed, much to the frustration of Enjolras and the rest of his friends. Their traditional meeting place, their sacred sanctuary had been infested with sweaty tourists, giggling teenagers and grumpy old people. Needless to say, Enjolras was not happy. Where else would they be able to talk revolution and rebellion in peace while enjoying a good latte? Options were not many.

"I can't believe they let others into _our_ backroom" he fumed as the group exited their former oasis and took to standing in a circle in front of the café, occupying the entire sidewalk.

"It's not their fault" Combeferre said good-naturedly, though even he was in a poor mood due to the heat. "You can't blame the establishment for wanting to make a profit. We should have just come earlier."

Enjolras grumbled, not feeling even the slightest bit better that his center of operations was invaded by a bunch of ignorant strangers getting high on milkshakes and profiteroles. He had important things to do, like overthrowing the government and plotting revolution, surely their cause was more important than those people dillydallying in _his_ café.

"So what do we do now, Chief?" Courfeyrac asked, wiping the sweat of his brow.

"Shall we try the Corinthe?" Combeferre suggested.

Grantaire shook his head. "I passed it by earlier while I was on my way here, it's just as packed."

Enjolras gritted his teeth; his anger was not helping his increasing body temperature, which in turn didn't help his growing temper.

"Hey" Jehan chimed in, an excited grin spreading on his face, "there's this new place that opened up just a few blocks from here. Not a lot of people know about it, so they don't have that much clientele yet. It's nice and quiet, AND they have really, really awesome bread."

The men turned to look at their leader, waiting for his approval.

Seeing as his choices were limited at best, Enjolras had no option by to concede with a nod.

"Excellent" Jehan exclaimed happily, "come on, it's this way" he said, already heading in the direction of their new destination.

"Prouvaire, what's the address? I need to text Éponine and tell her where to meet up" Enjolras asked, pulling out his cellphone.

"Give it here, I'll type it in" Jehan said, grabbing the phone and writing the address before tapping 'Send'. "There we go" he added as he threw it back to Enjolras.

"Is Marius coming?" Joly asked.

"No," Enjolras answered, "he has a date with Courgette."

"Cosette…"

"Whatever."

Thankfully, it didn't take them long to reach the café; they were all sweaty and hungry, not to mention thirsty, after only walking for 15 minutes, so everyone was eager to finally sit in a well air-conditioned room and relax by talking revolution.

"Here we are!" Jehan exclaimed gesturing to a building marked with a large sign that read 'ぷらんたん カフェ.

"Welcome to the _'Printemps Café'_!" he grinned and turned to his friends. His smile immediately faded as he saw their reactions.

They were all rooted on the spot, some were gaping and some wore looks of disgust on their faces. Enjolras was in the latter group.

"What the hell?!" the chief said in disbelief.

"What?" the poet asked, genuinely confused.

"Is that Japanese?" Combeferre made a face and gestured at the shop sign.

"Yeah" Jehan smirked, "it's a Japanese themed café. It's really cute, and the food and drink are excellent."

"It's pink…" Joly mumbled, staring open-mouthed at the bright pink floral motif the building was painted in.

"So?"

"It's PINK!" Bossuet repeated his best friend's words, horrified by the prospect of entering such a place.

"And is that fucking Hello Kitty painted on the door?" Bahorel added, looking slightly nauseous.

"Dude, I am NOT going in there" Courfeyrac interjected, craning his neck to see if anyone was looking at them. "What if any of my girlfriends see me? My image would be totally ruined."

"Prouvaire, you can't seriously expect us to enter such a place." Enjolras stared at the younger man and frowned. "No self-respecting adult possibly could."

"Hey! I go there all the time!" Jehan retorted, looking slightly offended.

"Exactly."

"Come on guys, how bad can it be?" Combeferre chimed in. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm so hot I don't care what the place looks like."

"Ditto" Feuilly agreed, trying to fan himself with one of the books he always carried on his person. "Let's just go in, cool down, get something to drink and split before anyone we know sees us."

Enjolras sighed. He rubbed his temples and tried to think of a solution to this whole mess. He couldn't find one.

"Screw it, let's just go in."

The decision was met by groans and muffled curses, but no one protested. Enjolras' decisions were always final, and no one dared object. Except for Grantaire, but even he was in no mood for a fight, not in this heat.

The group trotted into the café, with Jehan leading the way. The interior wasn't much different from its exterior, the room was painted in a shade of bright pink with white stripes, flower vases were stationed in every corner and a strong sweet scent attacked their nostrils the moment they set foot into the establishment, causing Joly to erupt into a violent sneezing fit.

"Oh God" the medical student whined as he wiped his nose with a handkerchief. "It must be these flowers… or the smell. What is that anyway? Rose water?" he asked.

"Yeah" Jehan replied, "Mimi loves rose water."

"Mimi?"

"Did someone call?" a high-pitched voice came from behind the counter. It belonged to a very pretty, very short young woman of around 30, dressed in a frilly waitress uniform, and sporting the most shocking pink hair any of the boys had ever seen.

"Mimi!" Jehan threw his arms wide open and went to greet the barista.

"Jehan!" the woman shrieked and went to give the poet a hug over the counter. "How are you, petit?" she asked, looking him up and down.

"Her hair is pink" Enjolras whispered to Combeferre, eyeing the waitress warily.

"Probably a fashion statement" the other man replied in equal manner.

"Oh you look so handsome" she continued to fuss over Jehan, fixing his collar and flattening his damp hair. Then she noticed the large group behind him. "Oooh, and you brought your little friends too. How wonderful!" the woman squealed.

Some of the boys reddened visibly, some cringed, and some pretended they weren't there.

Mimi, blissfully ignorant of their embarrassment, gave the group a large smile and beckoned them to the counter. "Come up here and place your orders? Come on, don't be shy. What can I get you honey bear?" she asked Grantaire who was closest.

The young man blushed at the appellative and did his best to ignore the snickering coming from behind. "Yeah, uh… I'll have a beer" he requested, his voice sounding deeper than usual and his back straighter.

"Aww, I'm sorry sweetie, we don't serve alcohol here" Mimi replied with a pout.

Grantaire gritted his teeth and shot Jehan a dirty look, the latter giving him an apologetic smile. "A coffee then" he turned back to the barista, "black. Really black."

"Sure thing, sugar cube" the waitress said, writing down his order. She did the same for the rest of the boys, and after a few minutes of deep embarrassment, the group was finally seated at the table placed in the most remote corner of the café.

"Petition to never let Jehan pick a meeting place ever again" Courfeyrac grumbled as he took his seat.

"Acknowledged" Enjolras said, waiting until everyone else had sat themselves before plopping down at the end of the table.

"Oh come on, it's not that bad. You have to admit, the service is really good."

"She called me _buttercup_" Feuilly retorted, still red in the cheeks.

"So?"

"I'm a grown ass man, Prouvaire, I don't get called _buttercup_!"

"I think it's cute" Jehan shrugged.

"Yeah, well, you would think that, wouldn't you" Bahorel quipped, taking out his pack of Marlboros and getting ready to light a cigarette.

"Ah-ah!" Mimi's piercing voice startled them. "No smoking here, pumpkin" she admonished, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and crushing it in her hand. "It's bad for you, so stop!"

"Yes ma'am" Bahorel replied weakly and stared at his feet.

"You know what?" Mimi told Jehan as she served the boys their drinks, "I just baked a fresh batch of your favorite animal bread buns. Why don't I bring you boys some, on the house, they'll go beautifully with your coffee."

"That'd be lovely, Mimi. Thank you" Jehan replied, giving her a warm smile.

Enjolras made a face. "Animal bread buns?"

Jehan grinned. "You'll see."

A few minutes later, Mimi returned with a plate full of bread loaves and placed it in the center of the table. They were decorated with sugar and food coloring, made to look like cartoonish animal faces; no two were the same: there was a tiger, a panda, a pig, an owl, among various others.

"Here you go darlings, enjoy!" she gave them one last smile and skipped back to her counter, where more customers had gathered.

The table was silent.

"Oh my God…" Feuilly muttered, put a hand over his mouth and stared at the plate in awe.

"They actually look pretty good" Combeferre commented, looking more bemused than anything else.

"Well, they're free, so I'm not gonna complain." Bossuet chimed in and picked up the one shaped like a pig.

"You okay Enjolras?" Joly asked the chief as he picked up his own animal bread that looked like some strange raccoon-type creature.

The blond was staring at Bossuet who was getting ready to eat his bun and pouted slightly.

"I wanted the piggy..."

The table was silent.

"Wh-what?" Combeferre almost chocked on his coffee and gaped at their leader like he had just sprouted wings. "What did you just say?"

"I said I wanted the piggy" Enjolras repeated himself, eyeing Bossuet's bun longingly.

"Dude" Courfeyrac leaned on Combeferre and whispered in his ear, "that's the most adorable fucking thing I've ever seen."

The medical student slowly nodded in agreement, still unable to take his eyes off their 'fearless leader'. "Lesgle, give him the piggy" he ordered.

"Huh?" The older man glanced from his bread, to Enjolras, and back to the bread again. He had never looked so confused in his entire life.

"Give him the fucking piggy, goddamn it!" Courfeyrac spat, and the rest of the table nodded furiously in agreement.

"Okay, okay" Bossuet cowered and handed the bun over to Enjolras who accepted it with a smile.

"Thank you" he said and carefully placed the bread on a napkin in front of him.

"Aren't you going to eat it?" Feuilly asked, picking up a doggie bun and staring at it with the utmost distaste.

"Later" the chief replied and took a sip of his coffee, looking oddly pleased with himself.

"You're acting a bit odd, Enjolras" Combeferre remarked as he bent forward to take the tiger bun he had been eyeing since the beginning. He had just about grabbed it, when he met Courfeyrac's hand, who was trying to claim the same piece.

They stared at each other's faces intently for a few moments.

"I want the tiger" Courfeyrac said, with the most serious expression Combeferre had ever seen on him.

The medical student bit the inside of his cheek, and narrowed his eyes at his friend. "I saw it first" he retorted, "I've had my heart set on it since I first say it."

"Dude, everyone knows there's only one person who's fit to take the tiger" Courfeyrac pointed at himself smugly. "Here, have this one, it suits you better" he grabbed a bun in the shape of an owl and threw it at Combeferre.

"Oh please" 'Ferre shot back, catching the owl bread and returning it back onto the plate, "you're as much of a tiger as Lesgle is an eagle."

"Hey!" Bossuet cried in offense.

"Hey, everyone knows I'm the tiger to Enjolras' piggy!" Courfeyrac snapped, slamming his palm on the table.

Combeferre made a face. "What the hell?! That doesn't make any sense?"

"Of course it does" the law student retaliated haughtily, wrapping his arm around the chief's shoulder, "an insensitive outsider like you couldn't possibly understand our love!"

"Fuck off!" Enjolras pushed Courfeyrac aside and glared at his second and third in command. "Share the tiger" he ordered.

"But Enjolras" Combeferre tried to reason with his best friend, but faltered as he met his leader's piercing blue eyes.

"NOW!" he bellowed, "or so help me God, I'll make both foot the bill and assign you designated driver duties for the entire month."

Both men cringed at the threat and after shooting each other heated glares, they begrudgingly followed their leader's orders and shared the tiger bun between them.

"Good boys" Enjolras nodded approvingly.

"R, NOO!" Jehan's voice suddenly rang from the other end of the table, startling everyone.

"What now?" Enjolras groaned, feeling, if possible, even more tired than before.

"The panda bun is mine!" Jehan whined. "I always eat the panda bun; Mimi makes them especially for me!"

"Grow up," Grantaire deadpanned, twirling the piece of bread in his hand.

"Enjolras…" Jehan turned to the chief and gave him a pleading look.

The blond sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Grantaire, give Prouvaire the panda."

Grantaire gave a dramatic sigh. "If his highness so desires" he said as he moved to hand over the bun to Jehan, but just before the poet could grab it, R retreated his hand and stuck the bread piece in his mouth, biting off a large chunk and chewing it loudly. "Oops" he cackled and made a show out of swallowing his mouthful.

Jehan stared at him in disbelief for a few moments before his expression turned from shock to one of flat out fury. "You son of a bitch" he growled and got to his feet, glaring daggers at the man who dared cross him. "I can't believe you did that… the panda was MINE! I will fucking end you, do you hear me?"

In turn, R raised himself from his own chair and spread his arms wide open. "You wanna go?" he challenged, a crazed grin spreading on his face.

"Sit down" Enjolras glowered at the two men.

"Enjolras, he ate my panda!" Jehan complained, giving R the dirtiest of looks, while the latter met it with a mocking smirk.

"Sit the fuck down, both of you."

This time Enjolras was angry, and everyone knew angry Jolras was a very, very dangerous thing. The rest of the boys gestured for the two trouble makers to take their seats, no one wanting to deal with the consequences of one of their leader's temper tantrums.

Jehan gulped and fidgeted under Enjolras' glare. Finally, he relented and sat himself back in his seat.

R, in turn, took longer to sit back down, mostly because he didn't want others to think he was afraid of Enjolras, but he also had to acknowledge that this was perhaps not the best place to cause a scene.

After waiting a few minutes for everyone to calm down and finish eating their buns, Enjolras was ready to start the meeting and actually get some work done. Enough time had been wasted and he just wanted this day to be over already. However, he didn't even get to even breach the subject when Feuilly suddenly rose from his seat.

"Over here, 'Ponine" he called, waving his hand in the air and smiling at Éponine, who was approaching their table with an odd look on her face. "You're late."

"Yeah," the young woman quipped, nodding her head in greeting as she reached their table, "I stood outside for like 15 minutes having the most intense internal battle on whether I should enter or not. Whose bright idea was it to meet up at this place?" she asked, wrinkling her nose at a excessive amount of pink surrounding her.

"Prouvaire" everyone but the man in question answered in unison.

"Ah," Éponine nodded in understanding, "now I see."

"You guys just have bad taste" Jehan grumbled into his cup, ignoring his friends' attack.

"Have a seat" Enjolras scooted over, offering Éponine the seat next to him, which she accepted with a smile.

"So, what did I miss?" she asked after she had settled herself in.

"Oh, nothing much" Enjolras answered, his mood now oddly improved. "Here, I saved you a bread bun" he added, pushing the pig shaped pastry in front of her.

Éponine gasped.

"PIGGY!" she squealed and picked up the piece of bread in her hands, admiring it like it was the most precious thing in the world. "Oh my God, it's so cute! I love piggies!" she turned to Enjolras and laid a small peck on his cheek. "Thanks" she gave him a brilliant smile before digging into her bun with enthusiasm.

"You're welcome" the blond grinned in satisfaction and took to stare at Éponine as she happily ate her bread, both of them unaware of the shocked looks they were receiving from the rest of the table.

"Well shit" Courfeyrac chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. "What a sly bastard."

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I swear I wasn't on crack when I wrote this. And of course I would shamelessly add some E/E in there, who do you think you're talking to?


End file.
